The Flames of Death Spork II: Remaster Boogaloo, Chapter 7

Third chapter in a row, I’m on fire. Unfortunately this is only chapter seven, and there are sixteen in total plus an epilogue (just wait ‘til we get to it, it’s utter rubbish), so sadly we’re not even halfways through yet. Ah, well. One step at a time. ON TO WARDSVILLE! First chapter here, previous chapter here.

Chapter Seven: The Vision

“What are you doing downstairs?!” I yelled. Nicole was standing at the bottom step, holding the railing. There was something about how her hair in a mess, wearing sweatpants and my t-shirt that made her look kinda sexy.

Barring the eleventy-billionth grammar mistake in a row that still did not get fixed, FRIENDLY REMINDER THAT THIS IS A WHOLE ASS TWELVE-YEAR-OLD HE’S TALKING ABOUT

But the panic I suddenly felt completely overshadowed that. I ran over to her and grabbed her hand to steady her.

“I can walk you know….” she protested. “I’m just kind of hungry.”

I walked her over to the table and pulled out her chair, letting her sit. “You could have called to me. You’re too weak to walk around yet…” I sighed, running a hand through my hair. “What would you like?”

“Peanut Butter Pancakes!” she squealed.

Oh God, I could practically hear the bimbo in her voice.

I chuckled lightly; same as usual.

It was about a week ago that she had finally woken up. I went over with her exactly what she remembered, and miraculously, she didn’t show the any signs of memory loss.

Really. You changed ‘slightest’ to ‘any’ and yet you didn’t remove the obsolete ‘the’. How is it that you consistently manage to get so close and yet so far when it comes to adjusting or improving your prose and grammar???

Though, she hasn’t attempted to use magic yet… I don’t know if she’s afraid to, she’s too weak, or she can’t.

It’s been a year since I first met her as a twelve-year-old girl. It’s hard to believe since she’s grown so much, so fast. Now she’s mentally and physically matured.

Ah, so she’s thirteen now. Thanks for that, because the awkward as fuck pacing of this story and constant timeskips make it damn near impossible to know how long it’s been since ANYTHING happened. But even still, one single year does not make the above OR the previous chapter any less fucking creepy. She did not just magically transform from a girl into a woman as soon as her birthday rolled around.

But I’m afraid for her because of everything that’s happened. But she’s been strong through all of it.

I couldn’t believe that all that time, I could’ve been out there looking for her. I was stupid. I just stayed back and followed orders. I vowed to never let anyone hurt her again.

She told me the story… though it was hard to listen. But she wasn’t afraid… She was never afraid.

Of course she wasn’t, what the fuck else is new???

She was in Krokotopia when it happened. She was nearing level 27 when she went up against Krokopactra.

I FUCKING—

PATRA.  P A T R A . YOU KNOW, BECAUSE THE HISTORICAL FIGURE’S NAME WAS CLEOPATRA, NOT CLEO-PAC-TRA??? OR ARE YOU AS SHITE WITH BASIC HISTORY AS YOU ARE WITH BASIC ENGLISH???

But when she had just beaten her, a portal appeared.

That’s when he showed up.

Malistare, the cause of all the hatred I feel in the depths of my soul came to Nicole, knowing full well that I cared about her… And he told her so.

And how exactly did he know this at that point, given that you two hadn’t seen each other for years and we had been given NO foreshadowing whatsoever that Malistaire might target her, such as a scene from his point of view collecting intel from one of his spies in the city, or maybe a warning of some sort for Malorn to join his father or else Nicole would pay the price???

He took her away with him to the depths of Sunken City. He figured no one would find her there because no wizard dares to go in alone, even me.

She said he gave her an ultimatum: either lure me to him using telepathy, or she would starve.

Don’t you mean ‘MaGiCaL CoMmUnIcAtIoN WhIsPeRiNg’?????

But Nicole was smart. She knew that Malistare would never starve her because then it would be useless to keep her captive. I would want her alive. So she waited it out. But each day, a minion would beat her horribly. She wouldn’t ever be given more than a piece of bread and some water to eat.

Some of them threatened to rape her.

:] *blinks*

Nice to know she wasn’t smart enough to get rid of this part, and that it still makes us as furious as ever. Greeeaaaaat, another lucky, insulated, stupid bitch who thinks that rape is little more than something to be used as a hamfisted spicy plot device to garner sympathy for her white-bread-ass Strong Female Character and make her shitty story even #Edgier™. In the future, girlie, I’d advise you to stay in your Goddamn lane when handling a sensitive topic like this one and maybe ask for advice on how to write about it—to ANY degree—with even a fucking iota of tact. Because this, right here? This Ain’t It. At the very least you removed the following line about her being ‘too strong for them’, because we don’t have time to unpack ALL of that, but that doesn’t even come close to correcting this bullshit. As they are right now, fuck your shitty-ass wish-fulfilment fantasy fic and Self-Insert, and fuck you, you stupid fucking cunt.

Malistare wouldn’t dare; Nicole told me that he told her it was above him to rape his own son’s love interest. To which she scoffed that he was a slime anyway. In the end, he didn’t try anything because he claimed that once I joined him, she wouldn’t have a choice but to succumb to me.

I’m sorry I have no idea what the fuck you were going for here but it sounds an awful lot like he’s implying that Malorn already has ownership over her or whatever and that once he’s accepted the power Malistaire is offering him, she’ll have no choice but to let him fuck her whether she likes it or not

But she told me how she knew that I wouldn’t be convinced so easily. She kept all of her faith in me through the entire ordeal.

So she waited and waited until finally we showed up. But she had been too weak to use magic for days already. They just stopped feeding her altogether at that point. Malistare had given Ambrose the warning about where she was and that I needed to go to him without Ambrose there. That was why the four of us were sent.

And that was her horrific story.

But now, she was healthier at least… and safe.

As the thoughts swirled around in my head, I smelled something burning.

“Malorn! The pancakes!”

I turned around and realized I’d forgotten all about them in my daze. I waved the smoke away and grabbed the pancakes.

“Sorry Nicole… I’ll make you some more.”

“No, no!” She came over and took the plate of pancakes. “The peanut butter is melted perfectly! Thank you!” she pecked my cheek and I turned bright red. She laughed.

“You enjoy doing that to me, don’t you?”

“Since we first met,” she replied with a sly wink. I rolled my eyes. She sat back down and as she took her usually tiny bites, I stood behind her and wrapped my arms around her small shoulders.

What is it with this chick and daintiness???

She looked up at me, a pancake hanging out of her mouth and I laughed.

“You’re adorable sometimes.”

She swallowed the rest and looked up at me. “Sometimes? Try all the time.”

Of course you are, author-Nicole seems to depend on it to survive.

Again, I rolled my eyes.

We sat there for a few minutes as she happily ate her pancakes.

She dropped one back onto her plate.

“Nicole?” I turned to face her and her eyes were nothing more than a blank stare. “Nicole!” she stayed frozen there for a few seconds as I tried snapping in her face and waving my hands in front of her.

“Ugh…” Her eyes closed and she started to fall sideways out of the chair. I caught her in my arms on the floor.

Is she dead? Does that mean this stupid story is finally over?

“Nicole, answer me!” I yelled. Finally, her eyes snapped open.

Damn it.

She was breathing heavily and her eyes darted everywhere but at me.

“Need… to get out of here…” she panted.

“Nicole, it’s alright!” I hugged her into my shoulder, squeezing her tightly, but she pulled back in protest.

“No! It’s not!” she shrieked. “We need to talk to the Headmaster now!”

“Alright, alright,” I said, trying to calm her. I stood up, holding her around the waist to keep her upright, waving my free hand to teleport to the Commons.

*Two seconds later*

We were still confused as to what the Hell was going on and what kind of nonsense made-up magic this was.

“Ambrose!” I shouted, trying to drag us into the office. I felt eyes on me from everyone around, but I didn’t care. “Ambrose, help!”

The Headmaster came running outside, throwing Nicole’s arm over his shoulder. “Quickly, get her inside!” We brought her up the steps and into the office. Gamma ushered everyone out and locked the door. “Set her down on the chair,” he said. We helped her sit in the red armchair behind his desk. Gamma flew over and perched on the head of the chair. The Headmaster waved his staff and a mug steaming with a glowing yellow liquid appeared. He held it up to Nicole. “Drink up.”

She lowered her lips to the cup and sipped slowly, then drank the entire mug. Her body glowed bright yellow for a second, and the color returned to her face.

“What was that?” I asked.

“It’s a potion her father used to make when he was just a student here at Ravenwood. I knew him personally.”

Oh, of course. Why didn’t we think of that?

Nicole smiled, seeming to already know the full story. She set the mug down. “Now… do tell us what happened, young wizard.”

What happened was Nicole made a miraculous recovery (no surprise there) Malorn went full creepazoid because author-Nicole thought it was hot I guess, Insert-Nicole acted like the complete fucking bimbo she is, and then some more of her bullshit Special Snowflake Sue magic happened.

Nicole stiffened slightly and looked from the Headmaster to me and back again. “Well… I guess I had… some kind of… vision…” she told us hesitantly. Ambrose and I exchanged glances and looked back at Nicole.

“Nicole,” Ambrose started, “though visions are a part of the magical dimension, they aren’t all that common…”

“I figured that,” she said with a slight shrug. She shrunk back into the chair.

“However, it isn’t a bad thing,” Ambrose continued. “In fact, it’s the sign of a very powerful wizard… This could be the result of your peculiar birth.”

Because of course it is. And here on your left we have even more stupid backstory, being made out to be much more of a big deal than it really is.

I furrowed my eyebrows. “What do you mean?”

“Well, Malorn, why don’t I let Nicole explain for herself?”

“I’m not from your world,” she stated. “You know that.”

I stopped and shook my head. I remembered her telling me she was from Earth. “Then what are you?”

“Malorn, please be patient with her. She only recently found out her father was a wizard.

I mean that depends on what you mean by ‘recently’—

Your friend here is from a world of mortals. Her father was part of the first organization of Wizard Protectors. They scout the various worlds in search of any sort of unbalance between the Spiral and other galaxies. He was sent to what is known as the Milky Way to planet Earth. This was where he met Nicole’s mother. He decided to make a permanent settlement there by himself to be with Nicole’s mother.”

Yes, yes, we already know all of this, you explained it in the second fucking chapter. The only thing you didn’t mention exactly was that her father was a ‘Wizard Protector’ (whatever in the everloving fuck that’s supposed to be), but you still mentioned that he had enemies. By the way, whatever happened to that sister you said she had???

He paused, letting it sink in. I had assumed her mother was of magical descent too. Nicole mentioned that it was rare where she was from, but I figured a wizard would marry another wizard.

EXCEPT SHE LITERALLY TOLD YOU THAT HE HADN’T. I REMEMBER BECAUSE SHE CALLED HER MOTHER A ‘MORTAL’ AND I ASKED WHY THE FUCK EVERYONE INSISTS ON USING THAT WORD TO REFER TO ANYONE ORDINARY. THIS IS NOT NEWS TO HIM, NICOLE. KEEP UP WITH YOUR OWN FUCKING PLOT.

“As it turns out,” he continued “she knew of his powers but assumed that Nicole didn’t have any of her own. But when I found out where I had to send my next letter to invite a student, I realized she was John Spiritflame’s daughter. But I had no idea that she would have his unique gift as well.”

I thought for a minute when something occurred to me. “But then how did he-?” I started. Ambrose waved his hand at me dismissively.

“That is a question for another time.” he said. Nicole opened her mouth as if to protest, but Ambrose continued. “Right now, we must know what Nicole saw.” He looked over at her and she nodded. But first she looked up at me.

“I’m sorry I never told you,” she said. “I was afraid. I never told anyone. The only people that know are you, Headmaster, and Gamma.”

I eased at her words. Why was I mad? She was embarrassed.

About,,,fucking what??? Literally where in this entire situation does she have ANYTHING to be embarrassed about???

My eyes softened. “It’s alright,” I said, smiling. “You can trust me.”

She smiled back at me.

So like,,,what the fuck was the point of all of this??? Was this your attempt at doing some sort of Big Reveal™ except you blew it because you had already told us and him all of this in the second bloody chapter, something to create conflict between Malorn and Nicole except that conflict dissolved in approximately two seconds with absolutely zero effort on either of their parts????? Gurl what???????

“Well… In the vision, I was in Malistare’s lair I guess… It was hard to see. It was blurry and really dark. But I saw him preparing something… I guess it was a plan. And he mentioned me… and Malorn.”

There’s a shock.

My heart skipped a beat at the pause. “He wants both of us. That was the only thing that was clear. And he’s going to come for us with an army of his minions.”

I stopped and gripped the desk. “I won’t let him hurt you…” I said through my teeth.

Ambrose put his hand on my shoulder. “No, we won’t let him hurt either one of you. I would suggest staying here, but this will be there first place he attacks to come after you and Nicole.” He paused and thought for a minute. Then he sighed. “I think the two of you would be safest if you disappeared for awhile…”

I think Malorn would be safest if just Nicole disappeared forever.

Nicole and I looked at each other.

“What about school? And our friends…?” she inquired. I sensed the worry in her tone.

“The two of you can stay with a good friend of mine in Marleybone for now. Andrew Coleman is his name, and he works at the post office in Regent’s Square.

*sigh* Okay, if you possess enough obscure knowledge about this game to remember the name of this random sidequest NPC, then how come you can’t even fucking spell the names of storyline characters correctly

Nicole will be escorted by Malorn to the Barkingham Palace where you will receive private lessons from a Royal Teacher there. You will both pack immediately. Say your goodbyes to your friends. And meet back here in an hour.” Nicole sighed in defeat. “And be sure to travel lightly, using just your usual backpack in the event you need to change location.”

Wonderful. You’re sending the two biggest targets off all alone to hide in the very town that’s effectively ruled by the gang whose leader is in league with Malistaire. What Could Possibly Go Wrong

*One hour later*

Samantha, Cole, and Ryan all came with us back to meet the Headmaster. We said our goodbyes. Nicole teared up, but I didn’t cry. I don’t cry.

Try not to cut yourself on that Edge™ there, y’all.

Mom was there too. She was crying, but they simmered as they touched the bottom of her flaming-hot dress.

The Headmaster walked us to Bartleby and handed me the Spiral key.

Oh hey look, she spelled Bartleby right!

“Take care of each other,” he said to both of us. “Without friends, you will both be lost.” He smiled to our friends one last time and we had a group hug.

Really. You’re too tough to cry but you’ll go along with a group hug.

I took Nicole’s hand as we looked back at our friends and finally, we stepped through the portal.

Well that was horrible. Fuck this entire story.

–Bishop

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