The Flames of Death Spork II: Remaster Boogaloo

Hello, all. It’s certainly been a long time. I was rereading my old MSTs of this recently for the Hell of it and I thought to myself, ‘Wow, I can’t believe that after over six and a half years this wretched thing still makes me angry.’ It always bothered me that I never finished the MST, because, well, I hate leaving things unfinished. The reason I didn’t finish it is because I was doing it before she rewrote the story, and that involved splitting and combining a few of the chapters I already had up and I didn’t know how to proceed.

Yes, you heard me—she rewrote the story partway through. Now, that isn’t necessarily a bad thing, of course not. In fact if anything it’s a good thing (however slightly), because I actually did read the finished version after she was done. Unfortunately, however, the finished product was still just about as much of a reeking skip fire as it was when it began. Pretty much the only thing I commend her on is the fact that she was able to stick with it and see it through to the end, however terrible that end was.

So I was thinking, I really should figure out a way to wrap this up. Not to be mean. Not to beat a dead horse. I mean it’s not like I’m gonna show it to her, and I’m sure (I hope) that she’s improved as a writer since then. But just to tie up loose ends. Besides, I’ve chilled out about some of the things I complained about so much since then. However, as I’ve gotten older and changed as a writer myself, there are things about this rag that have got me even more pissed off. So I was sitting there, wondering how or even if I should tweak this so that it reflects my current feelings, because some of them are no longer fair, and I didn’t know how to do that. But then I thought, hey: Why don’t I do the whole thing over again? I leave the original up for archival purposes, and I completely redo the MST with the rewritten version of the fic?

So that’s exactly what I’m doing. Some of my comments will be the exact same, because, well, some things never change. But a lot of them will be different. Think of it like the comeback tour that nobody asked for. So now, without further ado, I give you The Flames of Death Spork II: Remaster Boogaloo.

—

I found this when I was 15 while looking through the Wizard101 archives. The reason it stood out was, like any good story, because of the summary. One difference: This is not a good story. From the summary I could tell that the story defied canon (like, not even in a reasonable or skillful way) and threw Malorn AshThorn’s character out the window entirely. I have read the whole story before, and I can tell you it also contains a Self-Insert Mary-Sue. And NOT the good kind. I must inform you, if you are unfamiliar with Wizard101, stop reading. It won’t make any sense to you, plus it won’t be very entertaining to read, because you won’t be as infuriated as I am. TO LE ONWARDS!

Prologue

This story is about a Death Wizard that everyone knows and loves that resides in Ravenwood School of Wizardry.

One: Horrible grammar. Two: It is Ravenwood School of Magical Arts. Get it right.

Malorn Ashthorn has been through so much hurt in his life that he feels that it is wrong to love again. His father abandoned him as a young, Novice Necromancer,

Wrong.

and killed his mother.

Wrong.

Malorn quickly learned to take care of himself, even when Dalia Falmea took him under her wing.

WRONG.

When the time came, he became the school’s new Teacher of Death at age 15. He is now known as the last Student of the Death School, as he was taught by the father who abandoned him and killed his mother… Malistare Drake.

WRONG, WRONG, AND WRONG AGAIN! Jesus fucking Christ, girl, you posted the first chapter of this thing in 2010 and rewrote it in 2015! In five Goddamn years did you STILL never fucking learn how to spell Malistaire’s name? And I don’t know what fucking game YOU were playing, but the Malistaire that KINGSISLE wrote loved Sylvia deeply and would never have even dreamed of killing her. You know, the actually sympathetic and compelling villain instead of the absolute joke of a Bad Guy™ that you’ve reduced him to for the sake of THIS bullshit?

But what happens when a twelve-year-old Pyromancer Witch is found collapsed outside of the Fire School?

In the game, female Wizards are still called Wizards, and witches are something else entirely. Funnily enough most other fictional magical universes don’t adhere to the same rules as Harry Potter, it’s wacky, I know.

This story is rated T for minor cursing and romantic scenes.

Read: Swearing Is Cool™ so I have the kids do it as often as possible, especially Malorn the Hot Bad Boy™, but because they rarely say ‘fuck’ it counts as minor cursing, apparently, and I write uncomfortable almost-sexual scenes between two damn ass kids to live out my own twelve-year-old’s fantasy.

I hope you enjoy reading this just as much as I loved writing it.

I did not.

[Author’s Note 11/10/15]: Hello everyone, I once again decided to edit my old stories. This is the next one on the list to edit and complete unless I decide to end a different one first. Therefore, updates will not be too frequent, as my main focus will still be on Defying the Gods, my current story. Please feel free to review and read the new content as I update! Thanks all!

Chapter One: The Spark

“Okay, listen, asshole.

Boom! We’re only three words in and already Malorn’s character is shattered, plus you replaced ‘noob’ with yet another hamfisted swear word! Congratulations! It’s a new record.

You’re only a level eight. I cannot, will not, teach you Vampire!”

This was the fifth time that day this same kid had asked me to teach him this spell.

“Come on! Please! I need it to beat Rattlebones!”

“You’re a loser if you can’t beat that dumbass. I’ll only teach you Dream Shield at level eight.”

You…do realise that the bosses aren’t meant to be repeat enemies for all of the students in-story, right???

“UGH! FINE!” I wave my staff over the kid’s head and a few sparks fly around around,

Proofreading is your friend friend, sweetheart.

followed by the cards of the Dream Shield appearing in his out-stretched hands. “Thanks, Malorn…” he mumbles, walking away.

“Finally…” I said with a shake of my head. Great, now I have a freakin’ headache. I need a Theurgist…

I looked around and saw a kid in bright green MooShu robes. Thank God…

The Spiral doesn’t have ‘God’, the closest approximation is the Creator, and perhaps Bartleby, Lady NightStar, Old Cob, and the Titans. It literally wouldn’t have been difficult to substitute one of them instead.

“Yo! Theurdork! Over here!”

*facepalm*

The kid turned around with a scowl on her face.

“What do you want, Malorn? To make fun of your mom’s old school again?”

So he misses his ‘‘‘mum’’’ deeply and hates his ‘‘‘dad’’’ for ‘‘‘killing her’’’, and yet he’s still a big enough jerk to make fun of her old School? Make up your damn mind.

“No, just use Minor Blessing, alright?”

“Why should I?”

“Because I’m a teacher, and you’re a student. Now heal me!”

“Ugh…” She waved her staff and I lifted gently into the air and turned bright green for a second before landing on the ground.

She looked at me, and I stared back, rubbing my head.

“Well…?” she asked.

“What?”

“UGH!” she stomped off, muttering something. I aimed my staff at her ass and muttered a curse.

Previously I made a comment about how nobody could possibly make Malorn this OOC by accident and she had to have been trying. Now I know that, unfortunately, that is exactly the case.

Terminus shot out of my staff, and hit her hard, knocking her over.

…Okay first of all, Terminus isn’t a spell, like at all, it’s not even the name of one of the natural attacks. It’s the name of a particular staff. Second of all, it’s not even the same fucking staff that Malorn has.

“Dick!” she hissed when she turned to me.

This is her idea of ‘minor cursing’.

“You’re welcome!” I called out to her.

She stormed off.

The school was kinda slow today so I just chilled by sitting on the bench next to the Fire School.

Wouldn’t you chill more effectively by sitting next to the Ice School? //bricked

My mom then came outside.

My mom Madame Falmea, whom the author has decided for God-only-knows what reason is my foster/adoptive mother, then came outside.

“Hello, Malorn,” she said, a smile on her face.

“Hey, mom.”

By mom I mean that she basically raised me after the whole…incident happened.

And why. Why have you made this creative decision. Show us why, give us a good fucking reason.

“No students today at the Fire School. Any luck with you?”

“Nada.” I stuck out my tongue. “Why can’t I teach the higher level spells? I’m a Grandmaster just like you and Cyrus!”

No. No Nicole. No he is not.

“That’s Uncle Cyrus, mister. Have some respect for your uncle.”

“Why should I care?”

“Because you’re still a child.”

“I’m fifteen!”

“But you’re not an adult yet.”

“But-”

“No buts!” She collected herself and looked up at the sun. “It’s rather hot outside today, perfect for Fire Spells. I’ll be at Fire Cat Alley getting some practice in. If you need to cool off, go to the Ice School with Grandmother.” And by grandmother she means Greyrose, since she helped Dalia.

*rips hair out* AND WHY THE FUCK HAVE YOU DECIDED THAT LYDIA GREYROSE IS HIS GRANDMOTHER??? GIVE. US. A. GOD. DAMN. REASON. DON’T JUST THROW SHIT TOGETHER WILLY-NILLY WHEN THERE WAS NOTHING FUCKING WRONG WITH THE ORIGINAL IN THE FIRST PLACE.

“Alright…” I said with a shrug.

“And don’t leave the school grounds!”

“Whatever…” I say with an eye roll.

“I mean it, Malorn.”

“Fine.” I huff.

She leaves me here to die in the freaking blaring heat.

Malorn also isn’t this much of a pissant???

I walk over to the stupid tree and kick the trunk.

“Watch it!”

“My bad, Berns.”

“It’s Bernie!”

CONGRATULATIONS, NICOLE. YOU HAVE SOMEHOW MANAGED TO TAKE A TREE OUT OF CHARACTER.

“Whatever.”

I go and sit back on my bench. I look down into the gorge of the Death School and sigh. I sat there for a few minutes, just looking around, trying not to sweat to death.

Holy shit she actually made something better. Before this segment was him bitching about how terrible his life is and how it was all his ‘‘‘dad’s’’’ fault.

All of a sudden, I hear a loud thud behind me.

“What the hell…?” It came from behind the Fire School, so I got up and headed over.

When I looked around the corner, there was a student lying on the grass unconscious.

Will you please for the love of God pick a fucking tense

It was definitely a female,

So is Malorn an incel too??? ‘Female’—girl. It’s a girl. The student he’s looking at is a girl. Why was that impossible for you.

as she had long, light brown hair.

Huh. Nicole was blonde before. I wonder if that was because younger-author-Nicole wished she was blonde.

Her eyes were closed and she was heaving in and out. Her robes were red and yellow, obviously a Pyromancer. Judging by the style of clothes, she was still only a Novice, and she looked about twelve.

“Hey you!” I called. I sprinted over to her and kneeled at her side. I shook her for a second, but she was out-cold. “Oh, shit.”

Minor cursing.

I raised my staff over her and muttered, “Sacrifice.” I felt my energy drain quickly, being sapped out of me. Once I was a little weakened, she turned green and her eyes opened.

“Ow…my head…” She looked up at me, and I stopped before I could comment on her lame robes.

Her eyes were an electric blue, and she looked at me with something twinkling in her eyes. We both stared for a minute, looking into each other’s eyes for awhile.

Something inside me stirred. I hadn’t felt much of anything in a long time. But this felt warm… and new…. It was like a small jolt…a spark.

…So that’s it? No build-up at all??? He looks into her eyes and immediately There’s Something Different About Her™? You don’t anyways even give us the slowburn of her gradually chipping through the walls you’ve had him build around himself because of his Tragic Past™? He immediately likes her even though you’ve made it clear that he hates everyone and doesn’t care??? WHAT THE FUCK EVEN WAS THE POINT OF COMPLETELY DESTROYING MALORN’S CHARACTER THEN IF HE WAS JUST FUCKING GOING TO IMMEDIATELY FALL FOR HER ANYWAYS??? OH WAIT, I KNOW WHY—SO YOU COULD LIVE OUT YOUR SHITTY BAD BOY FANTASY AND THE CANON JERKS—OR, GOD FORBID, *GASP* MAKING YOUR OWN OC—WEREN’T FUCKING GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU, I GUESS.

“Hey…there,” I said awkwardly.

“Thanks for saving me.” She had a soft voice. She coughed once and the sound made my stomach knot.

Somebody get me the fuckin’ Bismol, I’m gonna be sick.

“Are you alright?” I asked.

“I will be. I’m Nicole Spiritflame, by the way.” She held out her hand. I took it and gently shook it. Her hand was smooth and soft.

*pukes*

“And you are…?”

“Uh…Malorn. Malorn Ashthorn,” I said, almost forgetting my name. “I don’t think we’ve met before.”

“We haven’t, but I see you all the time, going in and out of the Fire School.”

“Oh, ok.” How the hell could I have missed her?

“So you’re Falmea’s son, huh?”

‘Apparently, as far as this joke of a Wizard101 fanfic is concerned, I am! I am also a huge arse, I am the son of Malistaire Drake, who killed his wife and apparently also my mother, Sylvia—whom he loved so deeply that the entire fucking driving force behind his actions in the game was to bring her back to life—in cold blood, and I am also the grandson of Lydia Greyrose, who isn’t even related to Falmea OR Malistaire OR Sylvia anyways!’

“Yeah, that’s me.”

“She tells me about you all the time,” she said, smirking. “All of the Pyromancers sit around and listen to her stories of you.”

“ARGH! Not the one with the troll….”

Is this her idea of funny and quirky??? Because it’s just stupid.

“Yeah… that one too,” she said giggling. Her laugh sounded like a wind chime. I felt my cheeks go hot.

*pukes again*

“Damn it!”

“Nah! That one was cute!” she said, still laughing at me.

“Well, what happened to you, anyway?”

“I don’t know. One second I was fighting Achilles, the next I was here… barely alive.”

It’s Akilles.

“How come when you were defeated you didn’t port back to the Commons?”

“I don’t know. Maybe I’m a bit rusty. I’ve only been beaten twice. Including now.”

“Wow. What level are you?”

“Eleven. I’m still kinda the new girl, I guess.”

Yes, of COURSE she’s only been defeated twice, one of those times by a boss the likes of Akilles. Because she’s the Cool Girl™ and she has to be awesome! I’ll bet you all of my gold that the real Nicole had been defeated more than twice by the time she reached level 11.

“Yeah, you’re-” But then I stopped when I saw her face again. “No, you’re fine.”

What? Being the new girl isn’t a bad thing, he didn’t have to assure her she was fine.

“Oh! Uh… Thanks.” She looked down for a second.

“Here, let me help you.” I stood up and held out my hand. She took it, and I lifted her up with ease, but she started to fall over and fell onto me. I grabbed her around the waist and held her up. She looked up at me a little red in the face herself.

“Uh… thanks,” she said, looking away. “I’m sorry.”

“No! No problem at all.” Then I realized how close we were, her body pressed against mine, and her face inches from my own. I breathed in her scent… Lava Lilies.

*pukes yet again*

I set her down on the bench. “Wait here, ok?”

“Okay… And thank you.” She smiled at me. I teleported to Moolinda before she could see that I was turning red again.

You’re literally in Ravenwood! You could’ve run or jogged, Hell, even WALKED there!

I’m always supposed to have my base in her classroom so that if something like this happens, I can get her to heal them.

Base??? Do you mean mark, Nicole???

I took her hand and we teleported back to Nicole.

Moolinda healed her, using a Satyr, bid her good luck and went back to her room. Nicole and I just looked at each other and awkward silence loomed over us.

“Angels are passing over.” I looked over at Nicole and she was smiling, looking up.

What???

“What?”

*stares*

“Angels are passing over. My mom told me that when I was a little girl. If there is a silence for no reason, angels pass over you, blessing you.”

“Never heard that before…” I muttered.

Maybe that’s because it’s not even a real superstition. It’s just a way for the So-Poorly-Rounded-She’s-a-Cube Sue to reveal her tragic past, just look:

“My dad must be around then!” She beamed at me.

“Huh?” I stood up and looked around.

“No, silly. My dad died years ago. But the angels were passing over, so he must’ve been around!”

I looked at her, raising an eyebrow. Then I shook my head. “I’m so sorry.”

“It’s ok. I can talk to him whenever I want because I know a little piece of him is always with me.” She was still smiling. I’d never seen a student outside of the Death School talk about death itself with such ease.

*facekeyboard nmhg*

“Does that mean my mom is too?” I thought. She looked up at me – being much shorter than me – and then I realized I must’ve said it out loud.

“I’m sure she is.”

I looked at her and… actually smiled back.

After a while, of more silence, curiosity got the better of me. “How old are you?” I asked.

“Twelve.”

“Oh…” She was small for a girl her age but she didn’t exactly have a childish figure.

Excuse me, and what exactly the fuck is THAT supposed to mean?

“And you?”

“Fifteen.”

“That’s cool. You get your mount permit then, right?” she asked cheerfully.

*spit-take* MOUNT PERMIT? There’s no age—or level—limit for riding or purchasing mounts! That is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard, and it’s not even relevant to the story, IF you can even CALL it that!

“I got it two years ago. I have a Dark Redwing. His name’s Kalohae.”

What kind of fuckdamn name

“Oh cool! I always wanted one!”

“I would think you’d want a Dream Filly or a Faithful Dragoness.” Those are a tamed Unicorn, and a tamed miniature female dragon. She wants a tamed, male, red dragon.

Of course she does, don’t you get it? Because she’s Not Like Other Girls™.

“No, I love them! They’re so cool!”

“What do ya know? A girl with style.” She laughed at me.

“I’m sorry, I gotta be getting back to my dorm.” she said, suddenly standing. “Curfew is in an hour, and if Falmea checks the Pyromancers’ rooms… I have to get mine cleaned up.” She started to walk in that direction, but she was a bit wobbly still from earlier.

“Let me at least take you there.”

She thought for a minute. “And what if I said no?”

But you won’t. Because you were put here so that the real Nicole could have a relationship with some bastardisation of Malorn.

I was shocked. “That… would be a first.” All girls want rides from me.

-_______-

She laughed at my bewilderment. “Okay!”

Called it.

I snapped my fingers and Kalohae appeared as black dust flew, with me on his back. “Hop on.”

She climbed up with ease and got on behind me. She wrapped her arms around my waist and put her head on my shoulder. I blinked and felt hot… not just from the hot day.

Gag me.

I rode with her hanging onto me back to the girls’ dorms. When I got there, I hopped off and offered her a hand. She laid hers in mine and slid off with Kalohae disappearing.

“Will I see you tomorrow?” I asked her.

“I have some things to get done. Kill a few trolls, beat Achilles…”

“Can you visit me before curfew?” I asked. It came out more eagerly than I had wanted it to.

‘Like, DUH! What else am I here for, except to put your character through the wood chipper and gracelessly ignore the entire storyline?!’

She waited a minute. Then she replied, “I’d like that.” She took off into the dorm tower and was gone.

What just happened?

I’m still trying to figure that out myself, Malorn.

Welp, now that Wizard101 has been properly tainted for me just like all my other fandoms….

–Bishop

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